What Even Happened, Abenad? - LOH #194

I had to do about seven breathe ins and outs before writing this down. Oh and that also followed with a headache but guess what? I still found a way to write this through the headache. This leads me to what Bonita and my elder sister would ask me or say if they were here today; “What even happened?” Sigh!
Bonita was my childhood friend who died at the age of 6 from sickle cell anemia.

Right from childhood, I wanted to be a doctor and she wanted to be a lawyer and another friend of mine called Gladys also wanted to be a nutritionist. We were the three musketeers in primary one. Right after she died, my dreams of being a doctor shattered. Even though, I was kid I was so angry. Angry at myself that I couldn’t become a doctor to save Bonita. ( okay, I didn’t plan for the tears rolling on my cheeks right now, give me a minute)

Let’s continue now. Yeah so I got angry at myself for not being able to grow up faster and become a doctor to save my friend( I know, I know, I was just a kid).
As I grew up, I didn’t even want anything to do with medical school but I found myself there and left which is a story for another day.
Years after that, I lost my big sister to cancer and you know what that means right? Another “self blame” if that’s a thing. I blamed myself each and everyday for her demise. Part of me felt like if I had become a doctor I could have saved my sister.

I forgot to add that, along the line, I actually lost interest in becoming a “doctor for humans” because I realized that still wouldn’t bring Bonita back. I later got dreams of being earth doctor and I pursed it. Deep down, I am happy but not satisfied. Anytime I think about everything something keep on asking me “what even happened?”. Honestly, I’ve been scared, very scared trying to answer that question. It feels like I’m not doing what I came to earth to do and I genuinely don’t know how to undo all that I’ve done.

Sometimes I fear that wherever Bonita is, she would be so disappointed seeing me right now and the path I chose. Sometimes I fear that wherever my elder sister is, she would be so confused as to why I even chose to be where I am right now instead of following my original dreams. So what even happened? Abena? What happened? This is a question that rings everyday in my mind but I’m yet to give it an answer because as I said, it scares me and I genuinely don’t know what happened.

The weird part about this is, if I were to look within me, I know I would find answers to this question but that answer would break me and I would feel miserable if not for days then years so no, I want nothing to do with it at the moment. My thoughts are always all over the place but that one “thought” that is always “organized” and resounding; What even happened?

All images are mine