LOH #148: My Point of View as the only Family Member who was Earning Alone in a Family of 5

Living in France with two French kids, I am confident that my kids won’t experience my life in the Philippines. As a girl, I almost didn’t get into college. My aunt in Norway (my mom’s sister) only wanted to spend college fees to her nephews. No nieces. As the girls may easily get married or get pregnant. I disagreed. I had to ask my father’s brother, my uncle, to shoulder the transportation expenses. And I asked my aunt to shoulder the tuition fee. Of course, I had to prove everybody wrong. The funny thing was, after I broke up with my first bf, I never got any Filipino boyfriends after. Imagine if I was not in a relationship and not getting any college degree? I may need to wait a miracle to save from devastation. Or find a sugar daddy somewhere. But still, finding a sugar daddy needs effort on my part. That is to be pretty. But I wasn’t pretty to Filipino standards. So, it’s a miracle I needed. Hahaha! I can’t imagine my life would be if I remained a high school graduate.

I was able to go to college for three years, took up Information Technology of 4 years but you will receive a diploma after 2 years. I also asked my aunt to buy me a cheap desktop computer and installation of internet connection. My grades were good in college. I knew that IT is the future. I was searching for BPO jobs, I was on training but I failed. My father told me I was so stupid for not getting the job. He was disappointed. If I got the job, the monthly salary was PHP 13,000 and he was asking PHP 500 every bi-weekly salary. He was counting the chicks before the eggs would hatch. I was crying heavily. Instead of consoling me, he was being toxic towards me. I promised myself that if I could find a job with a higher salary, my father would never received any single peso.

I found an online job, thanks to my friend for the opportunity. I was very secretive about my salary, only my mother knew. I never talked to my father for a few years so he had no idea what I was doing. Nobody understood what I was doing exactly. My online job became a mystery. The most simple thing I can answer is that I was an article writer.

My sister’s college education got delayed and I suggested she could take HRM for 2 years. Same support from the same aunt and uncle. But I never financed the education of the youngest, our brother, due to conflicts and issues.

I told my siblings that we should be grateful to our aunt and uncle and every opportunities we received. But my brother wasted his scholarship. He was at fault and the reason I started not to trust him. He is abusive.

I don’t agree that the burdens should be passed on to their kids. For me, it is not necessary to pay back the parents. Pay back when they deserve it.

I am very strict about saving money. When I used to earn PHP 7,000 a week, I gave PHP 2,000 to my mother every week. She used to receive PHP 8,000 every month so it was up to her how to budget for food, electricity, and other bills. I paid the grocery shopping for our convenience store. My mother and I also had time to go for massages and manicure/pedicure.

When I started working online at home, that was the time I witnessed my parents fighting almost everyday. I wasn’t really at peace while working. I used my headphone to cover my ears and not to hear the arguments. And there was a time I need to defend my mother against my father and my brother.

I wasn't into traveling from 2010 to 2012. I was working for 8-12 hours. My relationship with the ex bf got complicated because of money issues. My father and my brother felt threatened when I was earning. I broke up with my ex in 2013 and I was on my first trip to Malaysia after a month of our break up. My mother was very supportive of my travel that I deserved a break.

In my case, only one parent, my mother, enjoyed the things I did for her as a payback. It wasn’t that much. My mother never asked for anything. But I made sure to provide our basic needs. Good thing, my mother was not the luxury type of person. Our electricity bill was only about PHP 500 a month. We also eat out thanks to the gift cheques I received as a blogger in Cebu.

Before my father died, we had a heart to heart talk and he was sorry for everything and tolerating my brother’s toxic attitude. Because my brother was the reason why he got a second stroke. I told him how scared I would be if he would be gone because my brother would continue his toxic behavior. This happened in 2015. My mother sacrificed a lot. After few months my father died, I brought my mother to Palawan with me. I paid for her flight but our accommodation was free for a travel blog project.

Ah, this is too long. The toxicity at home continued because of my brother. In 2017, I came to a point that I let my mother choose: to kick her toxic son out of the house or choose peace of mind. My mother chose her son even though her son is already at the right age to find a job and take care of himself. I decided to move out. I rented a place in Cebu City. I went to Boracay. I flew to Taiwan and stayed almost a month. I thought I would settle in Manila. I flew to Taiwan again and stayed for another month. A friend sent me a message that I could stay with her in Palawan for a few months until I found a place to rent and enjoyed my peace of mind in Puerto Princesa despite of not earning much the way I used to be.

For how many years, it was me who was working with no complaints. My siblings had no job. It was me who paid the bills and some basic needs. When I moved out, I had enough. I decided to stop working full time with my online job. I didn’t send money to my mother. My sister got a job but she realized it was difficult to save her own money as she needed to pay the bills. I lost some online jobs and decided to relax. Another friend sent financial help and I promised to him I would pay him back. I got some passive income from my blog that earned $100. I never touched my money from the stock market. Eventually, a client sent an email if I could work for him as a fitness writer. I was able to save money enough for me, paid back my friend but he said no need to pay. It was a gift.

While I was in Taiwan, my sister sent me a message that there was something wrong to my mother. I called my mother to tell her problem to her sister, my aunt in Norway. She was on medical check up and later found, she got cervical cancer. My aunt and her husband in Norway sent financial support of my mother’s hospitalization, chemotherapy, and other things. I told my mother how she never listened to me, how the toxicity of my brother caused her stress. And stress gives you major medical problems. All relatives knew about my issues with my father and later with my brother. My brother spread lies about me and made me the bad person.

Before my mother died in my arms, she was very regretful for not listening to me but for choosing her son who caused her stress. After my father died, she should be deserving to live a stress-free life knowing her kids are all adults. That means, her kids should be taking care of her. I told her that living in Palawan helped me to have a good sleep despite of not having much money. That I was living a healthy life in Palawan. She knew how it was peaceful in Palawan during her visit with me in 2015.

Until now, I am still sad at my mom’s passing. I cut off my brother in my life.

To answer the questions again.

1. It is not necessary to pay them back but pay them back when they deserve it and if you have extra money to have fun for the people you love and care.

2. The secret key to enjoy life while having the burdens is ALWAYS SAVE MONEY FOR YOURSELF. When I was working for 8-12 hour while paying the bills, I made sure to have an emergency fund, time deposit savings, stock market investment, and travel fund. Save money for your PEACE OF MIND.

3. Bonus answer, I joined volunteer work in a non-profit organization during the weekends. It was to steer away from the stress at home.

I was very strict of how I hold my money. I was living simply and don’t buy many expensive and unnecessary things. The best expensive things I bought as an investment are my laptop and DSLR camera.

Set boundaries for yourself

Set your boundaries in order not to get abused financially, emotionally, or physically. Well, I was emotionally hurt by my father and physically hurt by my brother. But I fight because I have a strong personality. Good thing, the only thing they couldn’t touch was my money.

I had anxiety while working at home in front of my laptop

I witnessed my parents arguing and fighting that I experienced anxiety. And how my father tolerated my brother’s toxicity. I wasn’t clinically diagnosed but that feeling my heart was raising, beating faster, and I had difficulty sleeping at home. It also caused me stress that led me to a medical problem. I needed a surgery. Also, I had better sleep when I travel than sleeping at home.

If you have the money, have a time to see a doctor

Undergo a general check-up just to see if you’re physically fine and seek therapy if your mental well-being is compromised. I regret for not seeking a therapist when I had my anxiety.

Always prioritize yourself

Thanks to @jane1289 for the questions. Join the contest HERE.