A World of Courage

I’ll start by saying that a lot of times, we say things or do things or even write things based on how we feel people will react to them. We think not just about what we’ll say or what we’ll write but about the aftermath of it. How will they see me? When they see my name, what will be in their minds? And these thoughts affect what we write so we end up not being true to ourselves and opt to write what wouldn’t be detrimental to our image. Which is okay. Everyone has done that at one time or the other. But sometimes, it’s better to be true to ourselves and just do it. Let me see who stays. Let me see who won’t judge. That’s what I believe in. And even if they do? You were just being you and that’s what should matter.

Now, we’ve gotten that out of the way, I’ll move to the subject matter and just leave a step-by-step of all my emotions and thoughts if I found myself with a child, unexpectedly and at the worst possible time. Like I’m preparing for my exams and I’m choked with school activities.

Disbelief/Shock

This is the first step for anyone in the situation and I don’t think I’d be an exception. How could this happen? Oh my God, why? And all of that. I’ll probably stare at the test kit, unmoving for hours. Unable to comprehend. Refusing to let it sink. Fighting the emotions that are about to leap from my insides.

Panic Mode

I’ve called the supposed father and he’s called me a delusional liar and hangs up on me. At this point, my emotions have won over me and I’m perspiring. I’m beginning to hyperventilate. My tummy does that squeeze that happens at the peak of my nervousness. I’m getting dizzy with fright and angst and probably starting to see double.

Impulsive Decisions

Now this is the part that many of us wouldn’t want to admit but the first thing that will come to my mind is that I’m terminating it. No questions asked. I think of the shame. The immediate suspension of all my goals. The humiliation I’d face. The disappointment and pain I’ll see in the eyes of my loved ones. And I’ll get more resolute. I dial someone discreetly and tell them that I’m asking for a friend and if they know somewhere or something that a person could go or take to get rid of a pregnancy.

Life In a Daze

I’ve finalized plans and set the appointment for the surgery. I refuse to think about it from then on. Time goes in a blur. I’m like a zombie, floating in and out and not even aware of my surroundings. My tear ducts are all dried up from overuse. And I’m both scared and anticipatory. Counting the days to the appointment.

The D-Day

I’m in the waiting room, biting my nails and scratching my arms so hard, it’s striped with welts. The kind but nervous-looking doctor comes to usher me in, that it’s time and I move in a daze. Lifeless. And disoriented. Then just as I’m about to be *put to sleep, images flash in my mind. Whether it would have been a male or a female. If it would have had my wide eyes or its daddy’s smile. How I’d never forgive myself for taking the life of someone that could bring me so much joy later on. How I would never be rid of the pain and the dreams of how that child would be. And then I hear myself scream at the top of my lungs that I should be let go. And I’m not going to go through it.

The doctor is confused but I’m let go. I can’t even apologize for being hysterical and just ask to be let out of the dreadful hospital dress. I walk out of the hospital and realization finally dawns on me. What did I just do? Why didn’t I go through with it? Will I be able to live with the stigma? But then the images play again in my head. And I smile. I know the road won’t be easy. But I’ll deal with it. One day at a time.

My able readers must already think I’ve been in this situation before but I’m simply stating just how my emotions would run and what I’d do, knowing myself. And also shout out to all the women that may have been in this situation before. And either did what I would have done or followed through with it. For the former, your courage is admirable and for the latter, I admire you even more because I don’t think you felt any better about it. Or maybe you did. But that doesn’t mean you should be hanged or condemned.

We all have our stories and our views of life. We should never be afraid to share them. Stay happy everyone.

Jhymi.🖤

This is my response to Hive Naija Prompt Of The Week.