Good Mom. Bad Mom || LOH #186

Not everyone can be a parent.

That’s what a lot of people don’t realize. You hear statements like, “But that's his mum,” or “That's his dad. How could they do that to him?” Or “How could you neglect your own child in that manner?” And I usually ask, “Why can’t they?” Because just as a good person can become a parent, a bad person can become a parent too. People believe that once you have a child, somehow your brain is wired to become a good parent for that child. But if your innate quality is selfish, how can you be a good parent to that child?

What I’ve realized though...

You can be a good person without being a good parent.

I think that in the same way, we consciously try to be good people (for those of us who fancy that idea), there should also be an active consciousness to be a good parent. Because it’s not just about giving birth to the child(I think that’s the least when it comes to parenthood). It’s everything you do afterwards. The thoughts you have about that child. The things you say. The things you do.

All the things that qualify as a good person are what you need to become a good parent whose aim is to instil moral values that will shape the child to become someone that we can be proud of.

It’s such a common joke here. How we would run to hide when our Dads come back home and how our mood immediately sours when our Mum comes home. Things that we laugh about now but we know that back then, was a traumatic period for us. I saw a video of a little Korean boy, not sure he’s up to five.

And how his fondest wish was for his Dad to one day call his name in a soft tone and for his Mom to maybe like him one day. Watching that little boy of not more than four tell the interviewers to hold on so he could control the tears that were threatening to spill down his cheeks and my heart broke. How could a little boy who should freely cry be able to master tear control?

Why should he?

Whoever a friend is, is who you should be to your child. So you criticize without condemning them, you support and listen to them. You’re not judgemental. You’re not negligent. You actively try to be there for that person. Be their biggest fan and cheerleader and you never stop encouraging them to be honest and true to themselves and the values you’ve instilled in them.

How can I put this better? One thing your child should never know you as is a hypocrite. They should know that you teach them that which you are. Because at the end of the day, whatever you tell them is crap if you don’t practise it yourself. You can’t tell them to love and be kind to all who they come across if you actively let them hear you backbite someone else.

I think being a parent is the biggest encouragement to become better people ourselves. Because this time, it’s not just myself I’m living for. I’m living for someone else. I know that they are impressionable and watch my every move, copying my traits unconsciously and unconsciously. So, I try to be the best I can be, for myself and also for them.

It sounds weird but I think there’s validity to this. I’m not sure if it was in a movie I saw it, but I still think it’s a reflection of real life, where a child said in response to if she wanted to be like her Mom who was a Congresswoman or something like that. “Nah, I don’t want to be like Mom. She’s way too... perfect.”
Shouldn’t that be a good thing? If you acted so perfect that they thought you were too?

But it’s not.

And I know this kind of contradicts the point I made previously but I think that one of the most important challenges as a parent is letting our children see our weaknesses. Because we feel we should be a pillar of strength for which their weaknesses are complemented. But I think it’s also important for them to see our fallibility as humans. It’s okay and even inspiring for them to see that you have your weaknesses and you fail sometimes but you’re able to pick up the pieces and come back strong.

It’s a better lesson than if they think that you’ve never failed. It puts them more at ease to talk to you. Because they will fail or fall. A lot of times. Just like you still will. And from their fallen point, they can draw reference from their parents who also failed but were able to rise.

Good stuff.

I say things like this and smile to myself like, “You’re definitely ready for children, Tessa.” But I’m not naive and I know it’s not even remotely easy. But I still think that if you’re conscious about it, I believe you could make it work. I appreciate all parents. Those who are aware of their imperfections and maybe know how they’ve failed at certain points to be a good parent. But they try at each point to be better.

Parents should be loved and encouraged as well. So a big shout out to them...

This is my answer to this week's question by the Ladies of Hive Community.

Parenting transcends mere stages in life; it represents a profound designation entailing the monumental responsibility of instilling high moral values and shaping the succeeding generation for a prosperous future. In this regard, what do you consider to be the three most pivotal qualities or traits that parents must possess in order to effectively fulfill this vital task?

What are your thoughts?

Jhymi🖤

_{Image is mine.}

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