I WAS ONCE HELPLESS

The feeling of being scared can be understood because everyone gets scared at a point in life. We all have fears, things that make us panic and all, but they can never be compared with the feeling of being helpless. It is at the point of feeling helpless people begin to have suicidal thoughts which for the record many can not comprehend. The reason it's hard to comprehend is often the circumstances surrounding such event, simple things make people suicidal because they feel they have to face it all alone and know that they do not have the strength to phase through without help.

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I was at this point in my life in 2021, I was to write the first semester exam for my fourth year, and a major criteria for writing the exam was that we pay our tuition fee. I couldn't call my parents for financial assistance, I was still squatting with a friend, and I was jobless. I could barely feed at that point and was only feeding with the help of the friend I was squatting in his house. That was a moment in my life that can never be forgotten, I remember how I would just come out of the house with a heavy heart, going to school was even more traumatic because I was well known in school and I was yet to buy my textbooks. Some lecturers did not even allow me into their class because I was yet to buy their textbooks.

I explained my situation to some who were compassionate enough to let me enter their class, while others would not even want to listen to anything I had to say. If I was not getting their textbooks I should forget about attending their class. It became worse when it was a week before the exam. All the relatives I called all said they did not have money. At times I would just leave the place I was staying and start wondering about in the middle of the night. I would be so deep in thoughts that I would have trekked long kilometers before realizing I had walked so far off.

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Feeling miserable was an understatement, I looked miserable and tartered. I could barely feed talkless having a haircut or shave. The only thing my parents reminded me was that the decision to go back to school was mine alone, and I had to shoulder the burden as a man. I even asked help for my church then but they were asking for some paperwork and a transfer letter from my branch church in my home state before they could consider any request for help. The pain became worse when the day for the exam came and I went to school hoping a miracle would happen somehow. I felt ashamed when I was not allowed into the exam hall while my course mates sat for the exam. I just stood at the school's gate smiling but crying in my heart and wondering if that was how my education would end because I wasn't having any means to finance it.

Somehow I still hoped something would happen, and I would write the exam, even when it looked like nothing was happening. I stayed at the school gate and watched everyone come out of the exam hall and talk about how the exam went. Out of frustration I gave up and decided to go back home when I got a call from my fellowship pastor who I also reached out to two weeks before the exam. He called to confirm how much would be needed to write the exam, and I told him (78,000 naira which was about $112). He told me to send the school's account number so he would do a transfer directly to the school in my name.

Within split seconds I went from feeling frustrated, helpless and dejected to feeling hopeful again. I sent everything to my fellowship pastor, and he called me to meet him up for the receipt which I did. Everything he paid covered half of my tuition fee, and other fees required to write the exam plus the late clearance fee. I was able to do my clearance the next day but now had to find a way to settle my lecturers else they wouldn't allow me write my exams even though I had settled with the school. I started begging everyone one by one, promising to pay after the exams were over. They all agreed with the condition that my script won't be marked until I settled them. One of them changed his mind later on and stopped me from writing his paper while I was in the exam hall. I ended up having two carryover courses that semester because I didn't sit for those papers. I'm happy it's all over now and I am finally out of school.

THIS IS MY RESPONSE TO THE HIVE LEARNER'S PROMPT FOR WEEK 86 EPISODE 3