Ladies of Hive #162: This question reminded me of my bitter past.

Hi everyone! It's been a long time since I've posted anything here. I became less active because I lost my motivation, and I feel like I also lost my passion for blogging because it's been years since I started to publish some blogs on different websites. I admit that I became lazy with everything. It's really hard for me to work if I am battling with my depression and anxiety, plus I am also suffering from an illness. I also neglected to continue the work that I applied for.

If you will ask me, what did I do in the past few months that I have not been active here? I just spend all my time doing what my heart and mind want to do. Let's say that I enjoyed my life, forgetting money and choosing my peace of mind. I consider those months a vacation, and I choose to heal my mental health and be far from social media.

I didn't regret stopping and being inactive for awhile because during those months, I became fine, and I enjoyed the moment that I finally had a peaceful mind, not minding anything—just being myself without other people's opinion.

About the work that I applied for, though I was accepted, I didn't continue it, and I'm glad that I didn't because I realized that I was not ready yet. Not yet. I felt like it's hard to work when you're still carrying a heavy feeling. I just decided and will just re-apply there. If I don't accept, then I will just find another job because I believe that there's still some good opportunities to come when the right time comes for me.

Well, these are not really a part of my answer to the question that I saw here in this community. Nothing; I just wanted to have a little story about my whereabouts, even though I know that no one is asking. But then... While typing those words, I thought that this would be a great help for me to explain my answer to the question.

Which would you prefer: to be able to see the future or to be able to see the past?

It's true that in the past few months, I have been healing myself from depression and anxiety. I enjoyed my life during those times and was supposedly healed, but now it's back again.

This question reminds me of the other day. I had an argument with my younger cousin and my grandparents, and we've not been okay until now.

I just wanted my younger cousin to learn housework; as her older cousin, it's my responsibility to teach her because her parents are working far away. I don't want her to grow up not being used to doing chores because she's already a third-year high school student, and she's supposed to know or have learned to do house chores already at her age. But this generation is really hurting my mind because she never learned. Instead of helping our grandma do the chores in the house, she still gives us some work.

Imagine that I am tired from cleaning inside and outside of our house because a lot of visitors came on our uncle's birthday and the house was very messy. At that time, we still had guests expected to come. The last time that I checked, our kitchen was cleaned and organized. But then, when I came back there from cleaning outside, I found a launch box on the table, and when I opened it, there was spoiled rice inside of it. Who wouldn't be angry, right? I was already tired at that time, and then I saw another piece of clutter. So because I was tired at that time and I was fed up with my cousin's laziness, I reprimanded her.

This is just very simple household work, yet she is still waiting for other people to do it. That time, I couldn't stop myself from saying the things I had noticed about her in the years that we had been living with her and because I'm so tired of her laziness here at home. I'm also annoyed because she always filed a complaint with her mother about our grandmother. She is full of herself just because her parents give our grandma some money to pay the electric bill and buy some food, which is as it should be because she lives here at our grandparents' home and our grandmother always washes her clothes using the washing machine that my mom and I bought before, and she even cooks her food and takes care of her every day when she goes to school.

The next morning, I asked my grandma, "Where's our Doñia Senyorita?" because I couldn't see her around when I woke up, and she confronted me, "Why are you being like that to her?" I couldn't help but tell about what I felt—if I was mad because of her behavior. Then my grandma told me that I was also the same as her. I am lazy too, and she also compares me to her.

The feeling that I felt at that time became worse because I remembered my past memories with them when I was around my cousin's age. The past is something I can't ever forget. It haunts me. I can't even talk properly to them for hours or see them in their eyes for a second. It also became the reason why I don't eat at one table with them every time. All my life and all of these years that I lived in this world, I always looked down on my feet because I hated to see their faces. their kindness towards me that I won't ever consider it a real word or action and just call it plasticity instead.

If you asked me if I prefer to see the past, my answer is no.

I don't like to see the past because I don't have any nice memories. All I have had in the past was trauma, and I wish to vanquish those unwanted memories from my mind. Who can believe that I was bullied and abused just for a simple reason? I was powerless during that time because I was still young.

All I can do is just cry on my own and endure it since I couldn't contact my mom, who is working abroad, because we didn't have a proper mobile phone back then. So, I learned during my younger years to believe the things that I believed and what I thought was right to fight on my own. Although I have an older sister, I can't say what I felt or experienced during those times because she is also one of the reasons why I am like this now.

It's just unfair because I experienced a lot of painful things from the parents of my cousins during my younger years. But they can't let their kids experience the same thing that they did to me. But I don't give the same experience that I experienced in the past to them either, because they are not the ones to blame.

What I just wanted to do during that time that I confronted my grandma was to speak up about the things that I wanted to say during the past months that my younger cousin did while living with us—to stop tolerating her lazy behavior because it's also what I have learned from them during my younger days. They taught me the household chores at a young age, and I also wanted my grandma to rest in the house too, because it's irritating to hear her complain a lot to me that she is tired in the household yet she is tolerating the behavior of her favorite granddaughter. It's okay if she is being lazy, as long as I hope that she is the one who will hear those complaining words from her. But it's not. Honestly, I am too tired because I was doing my best to help her here in the house in the past few months when I was not active here. Yet she is still able to compare me to her? So during those months, she didn't see my efforts. My help. everything that I did here in this house, and she just saw those bad things that I did.

I just wish that I could see the future.

Because I lived my 23 years of life in this world just seeing the negativity. I just wish that I could see the bright side of my future and see for myself what I am doing on my next year's journey. And so, I can be prepared for the things that will happen to me.

Honestly, I don't believe in marriage right now. But I wanted to see myself in the next few years if I changed this negative belief of mine. I wanted to see if I could be a successful person. What profession did I choose? I managed to help my mom, and I can find someone who can care for me, marry me, and we will have two children.

I wanted to free myself from thinking negatively. I want to know if I am able to survive and fight the battle of death. I wanted to live.

Those are the answers and just the things that I wanted to know.

However, if the results are not what I expected, it's okay; at least I knew it and was prepared to accept it.

and that's all I can say to the question I chose to answer for this week's @ladiesofhive community contest #162 question by @tibaire

THANKS FOR READING!

PUBLISHED BY: @xanreo
DATE: December 2, 2023