Shackled by dishonesty - LOH #233

Source

If there's one thing I have noticed from my part of the world, it is that pretense thrives. It seems everyone is walking around wearing a mask. People want to smile in front of you and frown behind your back. People want to offend you and expect you to not react angrily. They want you to forgive against your will, or else you become the troublesome person. Don't get me wrong about forgiveness; while it's actually healthy to forgive. It's also healthy to keep one's distance after forgiveness. Unfortunately, from various life experiences, it is expected that when you forgive, you go right back to continuing the friendship like nothing ever happened. You pretend all is well and don't even give the slightest hint that you were hurt.

Well, for a very long time I suffered a lot fitting in because I don't know how to pretend. I am very expressive with my emotions, and every time that I have been wronged, I have also been blamed for reacting. Countless times I have seen offenders never take responsibility for being offensive. And every time a conflict ensued from me reacting to an offense, I saw that people often sided with the offender.

Life was challenging back then, and it felt like I was against the tides. Soon, I found myself admiring people who could smile through the hurt and hide the pain by holding the tears back.

I admired people who could overlook everything and continue relating with their offenders like nothing happened because it seemed those were the people getting all the love while I was being hated for keeping it real. It felt like a circus, and everyone was putting on a show except me.

I recall an experience in uni when my bestie at the time had issues with some girls who were a clique of friends. Funny how I didn't even know what transpired, but the moment I saw them bullying her, I rushed to her defense. I remember being cordial with these girls until I defended my bestie against them, which automatically got me blacklisted, and these girls had so many nasty lies to spread about me. In the end we became sworn enemies.

The semester ended, and we all went home to resume two weeks later. Upon resumption, I couldn't keep to time, so I sent my accommodation fee and tuition fee to my bestie to help me pay and then, as usual, find a conducive bed space for us to live in for the rest of the semester. Imagine my shock when she informed me afterwards that the girls we had issues with were our roommates. I was like, how did that happen? And she was giving me stories that didn't align.

Upon resumption, I saw my bestie and these girls relate so well. I was speechless; I didn't know how to react. In my confused state, these girls tried extending the show of friendship to me, but I ignored them, and they reported me to my bestie, who came to pick a quarrel with me. I didn't overthink it, not until she told me that my character was bad, and since I could not pretend for peace to reign, I will never have any friends.

Her words felt like a piercing knife. I couldn't help but wonder how she could say such a thing to me. Why would she defend the same people who were mean to her? I had so many questions that I doubted myself. Was I really a terrible person because I failed to act in pretense? Well, I did try to wear a mask and join in the charade, pretending to be excited when I'm not, smiling at my enemy, hugging them, and giving them kisses. But I didn't keep it up for long, and even though it's the way of life here, it wasn't a habit I could form or adopt, as I found life worth living being myself and keeping my distance on the first act of betrayal.

Posted Using INLEO