Just Say NO! | KISS - Week 106

One lifestyle that is central to my well-being, especially when it comes to my attempts to live a minimalist lifestyle is my current ability to say "NO".

This two-letter word sounds so simple, yet is extremely difficult to execute for some individuals. The word, if not spoken and followed through, can be the cause of stress-related illnesses, tension among family and friends, ineffective performances in one's career, and host of other problems during one's lifetime.

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But it can pierce deeper than that. Not being able to say "No" can apply also to ones self. By that I mean a person's inner voice that may run amuck and can't be controlled. The inner voice of impulsiveness and compulsiveness in all phases of one's life can become debilitating.

It is believed that the inability to say "No" to others is an internal mechanism that comes into play when desiring to avoid conflict or confrontation. Also, not wanting to disappoint someone or hurt their feelings is another reason to just go ahead and do whatever is asked. Still others comply for the simple reason that they desire to be held in high esteem by others.

Whether going out of your way to accommodate someone else, taking on tasks and responsibilities than you can't fully handle, or altering your own plans to fit someone else's schedule, is a sure sign that you can't say "No". A note to mention is a person's efforts to undertake projects that one has absolutely no interest just to fit in or have others look upon you favorably can help spiral you out of control and overwhelm you.

I feel to some degree my upbringing helped fuel some,if not all, of the above reasons I couldn't refuse others.

So, this two-letter word is extremely personal in shaping my life up to point.

Where Did It Start?

For me, I truly believe that my mindset of never say no started in childhood. Growing up in the early 60s, life was slow and easy. My parents desired a model household. Neat and clean, with children who were well behaved. They got neither.

The reason was that we lived in a home with six children. Half my siblings were rambunctious. The trouble began in the household the moment their feet hit the floor upon waking. The other half were secretive. They did their own thing and endured the wrath after discovery. My parents were too busy handing out punishments.

You can get lost in the middle. And that is exactly what I did.

Each of their children had a wild and bizarre personality. Mine was agreeable. In the middle. Out of sight, out of mind, so that everything could go smoothly in my daily life. I got lost in the chaos. No matter which personality received punishment, I stood to the side watching the outcomes.

I have to admit that the type of punishments they endured, I absolutely wanted no part in. Still, my siblings returned for more the next day. Truly bizarre. I would often wonder whether I was actually a member of that family.

I swore never to be in their shoes. Instead, I volunteered for every chore and every assignment. Any task that no one else wanted to do, I was agreeable. I did what was expected. I was the calm one. I didn't speak unless spoken to. I disappeared among the chaos. And because I was so agreeable, I earned money performing tasks others didn't want to.

I saved money. I was happy. And life was good from the outside.

When Did It Change?

I was stuck in the background for so long that I lost my voice and my physical presence. I turned it inward. Reading, studying, and writing were my friends.

I only gained my voice and presence upon adulthood. But even then, my voice wasn't contradictory or antagonistic to compensate for years of being silent. I knew it was time to change. What emerged was a helpful, sympathetic, listening, always available, and generous voice.

On a personal level with family and friends, even strangers, I couldn't say "No". I always knew I had a sympathetic and empathetic personality. Family members would seek me out. They knew I wouldn't say "No". I was the sensible one. I was banker, lender, therapist, mentor, helper, volunteer at family functions. They would complain about other family, friends, or just dump their problems, personal and financial concerns on me. I could advise them. I knew how to fix it. And I was always there to lend a helping hand financially.

That's a lot to shoulder. And I attempted to do it all. In fact, I did for many years.

Growing up, we had enough food for our family. My parents stretched and somehow helped others who were in more dire straits than us. However, an abundance of financial resources wasn't within our grasp. So I knew what it was like to live without amenities. I longed to acquire items for myself and others so that I could lavish gifts to family and friends.

As an adult, although I didn't have a lot of available time, I did have resources, so I donated lavishly to any charitable organization. What I felt I missed out on in childhood that others possessed, I acquired. It became an obsession. That's when my massive collections grew over a span of thirty years.

On a professional level, I would volunteer for special projects. I took on tasks others weren't willing or didn't have time for. I didn't have the time either, but I agreed whenever asked. My popularity grew as the generous co-worker one could depend upon. I'd work overtime to ensure other people's assignments were complete after finishing my own. This attitude after thirty years in a stressful environment only aided in my medical diagnosis of High Blood Pressure.

Now that I look back on it, my voice didn't really change. It just morphed into a different type of over-generous personality that couldn't say "No".

When Did I Reclaim The Ability To Say NO?

A myriad of health problems ensued later in my career. Under my physician's suggestions, I needed to make another change again in my approach to life and my inability to say "NO".

Professionally. To say I was worn out by the time I'd worked over thirty-five years was putting it mildly. I had no other choice but to retire early due to stress-related illnesses.

Personally. I undertook two areas of my life to gain my independence and sanity. I learned to say "NO" to family, friends, and anyone else who wanted me to extend myself beyond my capacity. I have not regretted one decision I made that involved me declining to take on more than I could handle. Refusing to shoulder someone else's financial responsibilities also gave me peace of mind.

But I still had the burden of acquiring items to surround myself. This lead to acquiring my massive collections that I now struggle with releasing. Things that calmed me. Things of interest in my quest for knowledge of people and the world.

After much consternation, I released this desire over twenty years ago. I stopped collecting antiques. It did help not to see my favorite collectible items in magazines, so I unsubscribed to them via mail and online. When shopping, I avoid the collectibles isles.

Now, I'm in the process of finding a new home for my collections. Slowly, I'm doing just that with the help of tips and resources.

It was finally time for me to unburden myself totally with other people's problems and focus on myself and my well-being. I'd always wanted to travel, so after requirement my spouse and I purchased an RV and began to do just that. I'm no way completely cured. But I'm at a point that I can manage when and if I want to support someone or a cause without feeling obligated.

In my quest to live a minimalist lifestyle, I feel the process encompasses shedding myself of all that was weighing me down, both physically and mentally.

Wish Me Luck!

Good luck everyone with whatever your endeavors.

SOURCES:
a) JustClickindiva's Footer created in Canva utilizing its free background and images used with permission from discord admins.
b) Unless otherwise noted, all photos taken by me with my (i) Samsung Galaxy 10" Tablet, (ii) Samsung Phone, & (iii) FUJI FinePix S3380 - 14 Mega Pixels Digital Camera
c) Purple Butterfly part of purchased set of Spiritual Clip Art for my Personal Use
d) All Community logos, banners, page dividers used with permission of Discord Channel admins.
e) Ladies of Hive banner used with permission of and in accordance with the admin's guidelines
f) Thumbnail Image created by me in Canva.
g) "Flames." What is Apophysis 2.09. https://flam3.com/